Belly Acrobatics

I love looking down at my belly & watching it dance around! heehee, it makes me giddy!  That is the one thing I do love about pregnancy...feeling our little girl move has been so awesome ever since it started around 16 or 17 weeks.  Right now I can tell she is getting a little more cramped in there, but it's pretty cool now that she's big enough to actually see the movements from the outside!

Just 5 more weeks to go now!  I can hardly believe it!  I have 3 weeks left at work now, & I'm so looking forward to being done & having some time at home before she comes.  

Hello again!

Wow, it has been so long since I've posted!!  I figured I better get on here & update.  So I'm now in my 3rd trimester, plugging along!  I'm 32 1/2 weeks now, so I have less than 8 weeks to go, which is amazing!!  Oh & I forgot to mention, we are having a girl!! :)  We would have been thrilled with either, but it's just so exciting to know!  I seriously cannot wait to meet her at this point!  We paid to have a 3D ultrasound at 17 weeks to find out the sex, & that was a really fun experience.  My mom, my hubby's mom, & my 7 year old sister-in-law came to the appointment with us, & that was really fun. :)  We've all taken bets too, on various things, including what the sex of the baby would be.  We have 4 categories that everyone bet on, including sex, the date the baby would be born, the weight, & the height.  Our family members & close friends all got in on it, we wrote down everyone's guesses, & everyone put in ten bucks.  Whoever is closest in each category will get a "point", & whoever gets the most points will win all the money (it's a $140 pot at this point), so it should be pretty fun to see what happens!

I've realized that pregnancy takes a really long time, lol.  Maybe for some people it flies by, but for me it feels like it has been forever, lol.  Maybe if I wasn't dealing with a lot of pain it wouldn't feel that way, but either way I'm sure I would be so anxious to meet our baby!!  I'm totally fine with it taking this long, knowing that the best things in life do take time, & that it's taking time to help our beautiful little girl grow until she is ready to meet the world!  Both the hubby & I are getting so anxious to meet her. :) 

As far as the pain stuff, I started having horrible pain in the middle of my back on the right side, right around 23 weeks.  It actually started on the first day of a vacation that we took to Mexico this summer!  It was an amazing vacation, & I'm so glad we had the chance to do that, but I AM sad that the pain interfered with things so much.  While we were there I took a lot of Tylenol, got a massage, & had to lay down a lot, but as long as I wasn't sitting straight up for long periods of time it was manageable.  There were a couple times where I was literally in tears though because it hurt so bad.  My sweet hubby massaged my back for me ALL the time, because I've seriously never had back pain like that in my life...I kept having these huge knots right by my spine that wouldn't go away, & the pain would burn & radiate around to my side.  The pain has stayed with me ever since, & a few weeks back it changed from back pain to rib pain in the same place on my right side.  So now the pain is coming from the inside, & my right rib constantly feels like it is burning.  It hurts in the front & on the side especially, & strangely what feels good is to dig my fingers into my ribs & massage between them.  My doctor said it sounds like I have costochondritis, which is inflamed cartilage in my rib.  She said that can happen a lot, especially with a first pregnancy, because the uterus is causing the ribs to expand (and they don't go back).  I'm hoping that means that maybe I won't have this pain in future pregnancies?  One can hope. :)  But there's really nothing they can do for it.  Sitting or standing in an upright position is what makes it hurt (so it hurts all day at work), but thankfully I do get relief when I go home & can lay down, oh man that is the best!  So overall I haven't really been "enjoying" pregnancy the way that some people do, just because it has been pretty rough on my body, but all I can say is it is so SO worth it, regardless!  

Other than that, I have some pretty awesome personal news as well!  Just earlier this week I passed the first huge state licensure exam for becoming a licensed therapist!!  I still have one more to take before I'll be officially licensed, but the first one was the "big one" (4 hour, intensive exam on a LOT of material), & I'm SO relieved to have it out of the way!!  I don't think I could even possibly explain what this feels like.  I've known these tests were coming since I graduated with my master's degree over 3 years ago, & it has been hanging over my head or in the back of my mind since then (I hate that they make us wait so long to take them!) as I gathered my hours (we have to get 3000 hours of experience in the state of CA to get licensed) & then waited for my hours to be approved.  I always imagined myself being at this point where my tests would be finished & I would finally be fully licensed, but it always felt like so far away, & now it is finally here!  I should note that it was extremely stressful once I started back at work this fall, working full time (40 hours a week), & was still studying every night after work for a couple hours.  My mental exhaustion was overwhelming, & it was just so difficult sometimes to have to stay focused for so many hours of the day, as well as just being exhausted in general from pregnancy.  I had my moments where I was definitely exasperated & close to breaking down.  It was hard, but I really wanted to get these exams out of the way before the baby comes, so it was worth it.  I still have to study for my 2nd test, which I'm hoping I'll be able to finish before baby comes as well, but it's way less material that I need to study for this one, so I already feel tons better about that.  Also, the 2nd test is only 2 hours rather than 4, so in general I feel much less stressed about that one.  Having that first one out of the way is seriously a dream come true, & I think if I can finish the 2nd one on time I'll be the happiest person alive! 

All in all, things are going great, just under 8 weeks to go before we meet our little girl, & I'm so excited for everything that is to come!  I've been doing a lot of things to prepare for her arrival - my hubby & I took a CPR class, we are signing up for life insurance (makes me feel old!), & taking Bradley birthing classes.  I can hardly believe we've been able to successfully fit so many things in our lives!  I'm so proud of us.  We work so hard for what we have, & we try to be as prepared as possible.  My baby shower is this weekend & I am so SO excited!!  Now that my first exam is out of the way I feel like I can really relax & enjoy it! :)  Anyway sorry this was so long, I guess I had a lot to catch up on!

13 weeks & all is well...hello 2nd trimester! :)

Okay, so I will keep this short since I'm tired, hehe.  But I wanted to post that we had our 13 week appointment today & all is well!!!  Can't tell you how amazing this feels, to finally be past the 1st trimester & know that everything is okay.  I feel like a part of me could never fully relax until this happened, & it's so amazing because after our appointment today, I have literally felt all of my worry slowly melting away.  I feel like I'm finally able to relax into it, & to just be purely happy & excited w/out worry getting in the way.  I'm so SO happy!  Getting past this point just makes me feel more & more excited for baby to come! :)  

We started telling everyone (other than our family & closest friends who already knew) 2 weeks ago at 11 weeks, & part of me was a little nervous about that, but after today we went fully "public" & announced on facebook!  Feels so great to have it finally out there & to see everyone share in our excitement!  The secret is out, & it feels great! :)

So Happy!!

So we finally had our first OB appointment & ultrasound today...oh I've been so anxious for this day!!  Seems like it has taken so long to come!  First of all, I love my OB, she is super nice & just amazing.  My hubby came with me, & pretty much first thing the OB did the ultrasound, & we got to see baby!!  We also got to see its little heartbeat!! Oh that was so awesome! :)  I was a little sad we didn't get to hear it (she said that machine didn't do that), but it was still awesome to see it, & she said it looked like a strong 160 bpm to her. :)  Also, baby is measuring pretty much right on track...by my chart I thought it was 7 weeks 2 days, & she measured it at 7 weeks 1 day, so pretty much right there, with an official due date of December 2nd! :)  We got the little ultrasound picture!! Omg, I'm through the moon. :)  So happy. 

Nausea :(

Omg, this is sooo hard! :(  I had REALLY hoped to be one of those people who never had morning sickness or nausea, but I guess that was a high hope.  For the last week almost, I've started having full-on nausea, all throughout the day, though it's worst in the morning & at night.  And oh my goodness, it's really hard to deal with.  I've come close to crying the last couple mornings/evenings just because it makes me feel so miserable.  I've been trying all the things that I've read can help, like ginger ale, ginger tea, sucking on hard candies, eating saltines/club crackers, & yesterday I bought sea bands, which I think are helping a little.  Even with all that, you still feel it.  I never realized how hard this must be for pregnant women before.  Thankfully I'm not throwing up, but having general nausea all the time still feels awful.  The other hard thing is being crazy hungry yet having aversions to like, everything.  So you're extremely hungry but all food sounds disgusting, lol.  That has been kinda tough too.  

I feel bad for complaining, but I think nausea in particular is just something that's really hard for me to handle - I don't tolerate it very well.  I've had some rather scary experiencing throwing up while having the flu before, & so I think any time I even feel like throwing up, I'm terrified of it.  I did actually try to throw up a few times recently cuz I was feeling so bad, but it didn't work.  

I'm just really praying that this will calm down or I find some better remedies that will work.  For now just doing my best to get through my work days.  First ultrasound is on Tuesday, I can't wait!! :) 

5 weeks

Welp, I will be 5 weeks tomorrow!  It feels great to get to this point!!  I think that now I might finally stop temping, lol.  It has been so fun to tell our families & a few closest friends this week who have been part of this journey with us, it has been amazing!  Other than that we won't be telling anyone else til 12 weeks most likely.  The first ultrasound is scheduled for April 16th, I'm SO excited for that, can't wait!  Although I did struggle w/ a lot of fears/worries when I first found out, lately I've just had a sense of peace, which has been really helpful.  I'm doing my best to just relax & enjoy life, & this experience. :)  I probably won't be posting that much anymore, but will try to give updates here & there.  But I still love reading everyone else's blogs! :)

Christmas Every Day :D

Alrighty, so you know how I was all grumpy about my chart yesterday?? lol.  Well, this morning when I woke up at 4am to temp, I was still deciding whether or not to test today (11dpo) like I had planned.  I took my temp & it had gone up again, so I figured hey why not?  My DH knew I was testing, & he happened to be awake in bed next to me.  So I went in the bathroom & tested with a First Response Early Response (FRER) test, & within a minute or so a faint line appeared!!  I came out of the bathroom before the timer was done & told my hubby "Omg Babe, I'm pregnant!!"  He smiled & looked totally shocked!  I went on saying a series of "omg", "holy crap", etc, then made him come look at the line, haha.  We are having a baby!!! :D

So, logistics first: Timing: we hit O-3, O-1, O, & O+2
We used OPKs, as you remember, I temped of course, we used Preseed, & I took PNVs.  

Here is the HiLaRiOuS part of the story that I love!  So a couple weeks ago, someone had posted on the bump, that they got their BFP & one of the things they had done, totally as a joke, was stand to on their head after sex! lol.  And then she got pregnant! WELL...I thought this was SO hilarious that I told DH about it, & the next time we BD'd when I had a +opk, I decided to be funny & totally did my own naked headstand (or as close as I could get, that is, lol) afterwards!  DH laughed & then proceeded to do his own since he was better at it than me, LOL.  So go figure - I stood on my head, & now I am pregnant!! LOL.

Seeing that result this morning was amazing - that moment felt so surreal!!  It's so crazy, because, despite yesterday when I started to want to protect myself from disappointment, these last several days since O, I really have felt in my heart that this was going to happen.  I can't even explain it really, there was just SO many things indicating to me that this was God's timing.  And that's honestly what got my hopes up so much, because otherwise I can't say I would've expected this right out the gate with my first real "O".  I was so excited to even "O" in the first place, but over time this cycle, so many things have spoken to me, so I want to share about that.

Towards the beginning of my cycle, after I found out about the PCOS thing, a good girlfriend of mine, who is very blessed in fertility, prayed over me that I would ovulate & conceive (and the last person she prayed for found out she was pregnant the next month!).  She put her hand on my stomach, & it was super warm, & I honestly felt something, like a spiritual feeling I can't explain.  Well, later as it turns out, I ended up ovulating!!  I was SO excited just for that!  Well, then as you guys might remember me saying, my hubby & I had gone in to our church's ministry school to teach on "love & relationships", both from our personal experience, & my experience as a counselor.  Well, afterwards, an adult student who didn't even know us, came up & said that he was a little nervous to say anything, but after hearing my DH say his goal in life was to "be a good husband & father", he felt comfortable to say that when he saw us up there he had "seen" in the spiritual realm, me w/ a pregnant belly (he did the round motion, haha).  At that time I had not O'd yet, but was still emotional from the PCOS thing, & tears kinda welled up in my eyes.  Hearing someone say something like that was really really touching, it really blessed me.  Well then, the other day, on my brother in law's birthday (the 17th), we were out to lunch w/ him, when I was asking him some things about his girlfriend, who I haven't met yet, because she lives far away right now but will be moving back soon.  Well anyway, he got a look in his eye & he said omg I just remembered, she had a dream about you!  I was like "really??"...thought this was super odd since we haven't met.  He said yeah, she told me the other day she dreamt that you were pregnant, & were telling her about the sex of the baby, etc.  If that doesn't give you chills I don't know what will! haha.  

And on TOP of all of this...at some point in my cycle when I realized if I got pregnant now the due date would be in December, I just had this CrAzY feeling that this was going to happen now.  Not because I have wanted a December due date - in fact I originally wanted a summer baby (TTC makes you throw those plans out the window & not care about things like this real quick) & have always thought it would suck to have your bday in the month of Christmas, haha.  But here's why - it's because many years ago when I was a teenager, my favorite preacher/speaker EVER singled me out in a huge church service, & prophesied over me a "word" that I have taken with me all my life.  There were a few different points in it, but at the main part, he had said "your life will be like 'Christmas Every Day' ".  My dad & I have joked about this over the years, & how both of us are totally claiming this for our lives, & how amazingly God really has blessed us!  Well, knowing my baby will be born in December, I just feel like that's God's way of saying "Merry Christmas!"  ...Omg now I am crying!  Seriously, He touches my heart with how intentional He was to show me all these things that would build my faith this cycle & show His intentional love for me.  I feel like this wasn't just "luck" or even "good timing", but that God did this on purpose in this way to show His incredible love to me.  Like it was meant to be.  He has been beside me in this incredibly difficult journey, helping me through, catching my tears, giving me hope, strength, endurance, & now here we are!  I feel incredibly blessed!  Merry Christmas!

To all my TTCers, I hope this gives you hope in some way!  My whole experience trying to conceive has really given me such a soft spot in my heart for everyone out there who has trouble TTC, & you will all always be in a T&Ps (thoughts & prayers)!  I hope you all get your BFPs soon!

Looks like a no go :/

Well, after my post yesterday morning, I was feeling just WAY too much anticipation (it was killing me!), so I spent the rest of the day yesterday calming myself down & preparing for a potential BFN.  I just wished I hadn't gotten so worked up.  In all reality, at the beginning of the 2ww I wasn't actually holding high hopes that it would really happen our first "real" cycle, but I think just with the various things I had heard from people, who didn't even know we were trying (I didn't even write all of them in here) gave me so much hope that I built up way to much anticipation.  

Well anyway, this morning my temp went back down to the pre-tri-level of temps (you can check the link from my previous post to see my chart).  I was super excited about the whole "triphasic thing" until yesterday I started doing some research on the bump & realized that a lot of people get triphasic charts & it's not a good idea to put a lot of stock in that.  I was actually kinda irritated after learning that because, much as I love TCOYF, the thing that made me think my chart being triphasic meant anything in the first place was because the book actually says that if you experience a triphasic chart you are "almost certainly pregnant".  Way to get someone's hopes up, thanks.

So at this point I'm guessing I'm probably out.  We'll see how my temp is tomorrow, but unless it goes up again I probably won't test.  I'm glad at least that I prepared my mind & heart for this possibility yesterday, because even though I'm disappointed, I do feel okay.  I feel like part of me just "knew" last night actually, so I wasn't too surprised this morning.  I'm kinda going back now to my feelings at the beginning of this 2ww, that regardless, this cycle was a GREAT thing, & hopefully I will continue to ovulate so I can keep trying like a normal person, lol.

Umm...

Okay, so...this is definitely looking like a triphasic chart to me!!!
  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/4036ef

I also had some light cramps & "twinges" in my uterus yesterday & the day before, on 7dpo & 8dpo (today is 9dpo).  I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but so much has happened this cycle w/ God building my faith about this, & honestly I just feel like something is happening!  We shall see!! :)

Waiting Game :)

Well, it seems like there's not too much to say since I'm just pretty much waiting around now.  I'm only 5dpo right now, & oh the days are dragging on, lol.  I was thinking that if I did have a fertilized egg in there, it may be in my uterus by today or tomorrow, although not implanted yet, just an interesting thought.  Tonight I've been having these stabbing pains in the left side of my abdomen which is making me think about that more, haha.  I don't want to get into speculating, but I am curious!  

In a way I've felt really relaxed lately, because it's been nice to not have to have to worry about anything, do any OPKs, think about timing sex, get angry at my body for not working, etc.  And it has been awesome to know there is at least a chance we could conceive this cycle! :)  It's funny, I think I felt about ovulating the way that many women do about + pregnancy tests!  For example, when I got that 3rd high temp I texted my hubby & said, "we did it, I ovulated!" haha.  (mostly cuz we had such great timing).  He has been so great lately, & getting more into the whole TTC thing.  My previous cycles he wasn't really wanting to do the whole "timing sex" thing, cuz the idea seemed forced I guess, but ever since we watched The Great Sperm Race he has made several comments to me about not realizing how important timing is, & as soon I got a +OPK this last cycle he was like ok let's do it, which was great!  :)  Him being on board makes the whole thing way easier!

At the same time, waiting still sucks, ya know?  At least I can know we did the best we could, & actually the best part is knowing exactly how long I'll have to wait, which is nothing compared to my long-ass cycles of not having the slightest clue when something might happen! lol.  The predictability is at least helping me through it.  I think I'll prob test a week from tomorrow (13dpo), we'll see, I'm new to this.  Either way I know this cycle was a great step in the right direction, & hopefully my body will continue doing what it should! :)

Oh Happy Day! lol

So...sorry to keep ya'll in suspense, haha, but I can now say with almost complete certainty that I did, in fact, ovulate!!! :)  This has been a crazy few days, I'll tell you that!  Nothing could make a girl start thinking a thousand miles a minute like seeing that first high temp!  I honestly couldn't fall back asleep for an hour & a half after seeing that!  Then waiting the last 2 days has honestly been pretty torturous.  It somewhat reminded me of the 65 day cycle I had before I started charting, when I didn't know what was going on & it felt like the not knowing was killing me! lol.  BUT, I tried my best to just relax & wait, & today being the 3rd day of high temps (plus today's temp being even higher then the previous 2), I feel fairly confident in saying I ovulated!!!

I can't even tell you how I feel about this.  This is the first time I've known that I've ovulated in this entire 8 months of TTC, & even if I did O those first 2 cycles before I started charting, this would still be the first time I've O'd since November!!  That's a long time, & this has been a LONG journey to get to this point!  I'm so happy & relieved, to know that my body is working!!  I could tell my body was trying super hard too, cuz I've had ovulation pains up the WAZOO the last several days, up until yesterday it stopped.  

Here's a link to my chart to check out the temp shift:

  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/4036ef

I know right now it says I O'd on CD23, but it was actually CD25, so if it doesn't change that I'll try to figure out how to do that.  

I'm feeling so relieved, relaxed, & at peace right now!  This is my first ever 2ww! :)  

high temp!!

Omg, so...I had a high temp this morning!!  Of course I'll have to wait a few days to confirm, but looks like I may have O'd!!

Hmm

So this cycle is proving to be interesting so far.  I'm on CD25, & so far no O, but I've been keeping my hopes up that it'll happen!  Mostly because this is the last cycle before we officially start testing & seeing the RE, so it's kinda my body's last chance to get things together & start working, so I just think how awesome would it be if it did!  

So anyway though, I decided to start using OPKs again this cycle, & started those on CD19.  Then on CD22 I had what I thought was a "maybe" positive OPK, then for the last 2 days (CD24 & 25), I've had OPKs that were definitely positive!  In the past when I've had positive OPKs (although I never O'd afterwards), the "test" line was just as dark as the control, but never darker.  Well these last 2 days that I've had positive results, the "test" line was actually WAY darker than the control line, which I've never seen my OPKs do before!  This is a significant difference.  This has kinda gotten my hopes up that maybe I really will O this cycle!  I haven't seen a temp shift yet, but I'm really hopeful that it will happen!

The only bummer is I've read that a lot of people get multiple positives with the brand I'm using (Answer), so I looked up some FAQ about their brand today, & found out they can be a little inconsistent, & also that the "darker" part of the test line has to take up at least 50% of the line in order to be considered positive.  With that in consideration, I'm not totally sure if mine would be considered positive or not.  I'm a little frustrated w/ that, so finally just ordered some wonfos from amazon since all the bump ladies use those & they are cheap!  Hopefully they'll be a bit more accurate.  Still hoping though that since I've never seen a line this dark before that maybe I really will O!

I've been getting a lot of positivity from people lately that has been encouraging & giving me hope. :)  My church is into a lot of the "prophetic" aspects of spirituality, & what they call giving people "words", or basically what you hear God saying to that person.  Well recently my husband & I were speaking on communication & love in relationships at our church's ministry school (don't be confused, no I'm still not that into organized religion, this was a special circumstance), & later after we were done, one of the students came up & gave us a word that he "saw" me being pregnant, but he hadn't known we were trying.  That was really cool.  I also had a girlfriend of mine who is becoming really close to me (& happens to be very blessed w/ fertility), pray over me recently, at the beginning of this cycle, & that felt pretty amazing also.  

And now that I'm thinking about it, just to top it all off, I just remembered that one of the reasons we started trying when we did (which was a little earlier than we had first planned) in the first place was because a really respected & well known speaker that we know, had had a "word" about us being pregnant.  So ya know, I just feel like all things are pointed in this direction! :)  I feel like God is using all these little ways to give me hope, that regardless of what things look like or how they seem right now, etc, that this is something that is meant to be in our lives!  It's awesome the way God uses people, & this is all helping to build my faith!

Pluses & Minuses

I love how fertility friend tells me "your cycles are irregular".  Nahhh, ya don't say?? lol. :/

Anyway, I'm feeling some pluses & minuses today:

Pluses: My acne is actually starting to get better!!  Can't tell you how much that makes me wanna rejoice! lol.  It was getting pretty bad there for awhile, & I have some scars from it still, but I think they'll fade.  I'm super glad it's calming down though.

Minuses:  I dunno, it's CD19, & I just have this suspicion that this cycle is gonna be like the last one, & I'll get to CD60 w/out O'ing again.  And I dunno, I'm trying to stay hopeful, & I know there are options regardless, but I just still really wish things would just work how they're supposed to.  It's actually kinda hard for me to read about other women who are TTC who have actual "fertile windows", & predictable ovulation & all.  I just want to ovulate at all!!  It just sucks, honestly.

I'm a pretty open person, so I've shared about our TTC journey & this PCOS thing with my family & close friends, & they've all been really supportive.  Last night my dad said something that kinda got to me though, & I don't know why.  He was super supportive, gave me a hug, said he knew it was gonna happen for us, & it would be in the right time.  But then he went on to comment that maybe right now "wasn't the right time", because I have huge tests coming up this summer to become a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (yep, I'm a therapist!), & that maybe it would be better for me to pass those tests first (even though baby wouldn't be here by then).  For some reason that kinda hurt me, & I can't exactly figure out why.  I actually do believe in the whole it'll happen at the right time thing, I just don't also believe that that means now is the "wrong" time.  I guess maybe it felt like he was questioning how ready we were, & maybe that's why it was hurtful.  Especially since in our hearts we are SO incredibly ready, & knowing that we waited 5 years to even start trying because we wanted to be financially stable & we wanted the best situation for this baby.  I feel like we've planned it out the best that we really could, w/out waiting too terribly long.  I know he just wants the best for me, & he & my mom have ALWAYS said what amazing parents they thought we'd be, & how they actually look forward to seeing us parent, etc, but I guess just the insinuation that maybe I hadn't thought this through enough w/ the timing of my career, even though we've been trying for 8 months was kinda hurtful.  I mean, would it be a little more ideal if my licensing test was done first?  Yeah, of course that'd be nice, but it's not something that HAS to happen before we get pregnant, & it just seems like we've already waited on enough things, you know?  We are just SO ready!  And hey, if we don't get pregnant til after my tests, will I see the positive in that? Of course!  It's just that doesn't change the fact that I'm already very ready now.  

In the end what he said is not really a "big" deal, but just I couldn't stop thinking about it today so I had to process why it was bugging me.  I feel kinda better now. :)

The Great Sperm Race

Just watched "The Great Sperm Race" today with the hubby.  It was actually very funny, & interesting!  A good watch. :)

Starting 8th month TTC!

So, woo-hoo!  Today is starting our 8th month TTC!  hehe, moving right along.  Strangely enough, I feel that the more that time passes, the  closer we are to having more information (about my cycles, etc), & to things hopefully happening.  Earlier this week I had informed my Obgyn what our decision was regarding the RE (waiting one more cycle), & had said I would like to get information regarding costs, etc, now if possible, so today I got a call from the REI (reproductive endocrinology & infertility) clinic! :)  The charge nurse, who pretty much handles everything (patient contact, pricing, test results, etc) was super nice, & she had a packet all ready for me that I went & picked up after work today.  

Once I saw everything (including that the prices were way better than I was expecting!) I actually felt really happy!  I think just because I felt like for once I would be in the hands of experts, who really knew what they were doing & specialized in this area.  It's just a whole different feeling, & I felt that just from talking to the charge nurse & looking through all the paperwork they gave me.  They also had a video for me to watch that had various info regarding infertility & treatments.  If I should go down this road, I think I actually feel really good about it!  When I left the clinic, which is right here in my town, like 10 min away, also w/ the sheet knowing the costs are not nearly as bad as I thought (huge relief!), I was thinking ya know, we're actually pretty blessed, all things considered.  I know from reading other women's stories that it could be way worse.  

So the way my RE's office does things (they have a system!) is that you do your blood work, HSG, & get the DH's SA done all before your initial consult w/ the RE.  I think that's kinda cool actually, because they can start at a really knowledgeable place w/ your treatment, since the basic tests are already done.

The charge nurse told me that if I don't ovulate this cycle by day 45 then I should call & she'll issue another prescription for Provera, & then once CD1 starts, I can schedule the HSG & do the bloodwork labs.  Part of me is still wondering if I want to start testing/treatment this soon or not????? ahhh!  I know I have a good reason to if I do, & I'm no longer that worried about cost, but SOMEWHERE in my brain keeps wondering "hey, maybe you WILL regulate if you wait a little longer" (in an annoying voice) ...lol.  

But I dunno, I'm thinking, if I get to CD60 again with no ovulation, & that'll be at around 9 total months of TTC, is there really that much chance that I would magically start ovulating in the next 3 months?? (before the magic "year" point).  Honestly, if I was ovulating at ALL I would wait &  keep trying naturally.  I dunno, I'm confusing myself by even talking about it, lol.  I think at this point if I pursue treatment I will feel really good about it, & feel like I'm taking charge of the situation, etc, but honestly I'm happy to wait longer to do that, but only if there's a good reason to, I guess.  But the bummer is, there is no way to know if there's a good reason!! lol.  I guess if I accept the PCOS diagnosis, there may not be much reason to wait, because my ovulation will likely continue to be an issue, but if I hope that maybe my obgyn was wrong & my body is just still regulating, then there "could" potentially be a reason.  gaaaa, I'm sorry, I must be annoying right now.  lol.  ANYWAY...hehe, but seriously any input on this would actually be very appreciated.

All in all I'm feeling very happy & hopeful about everything! Just hoping I make the right decision in regards to when to start testing/treatment.

Hopeful!

So right now I'm feeling like ya know what?  Screw PCOS...seriously efff that, because PCOS or not, I'm gonna have a baby!  I don't know how or when but ya know what I am just gonna believe this right now!  I believe in God, I believe in the crazy favor He has poured out over my life, I believe in the "Christmas every day" that was spoken over me, & I believe in miracles!  I KNOW that God has good things for my life.  More than ever, I've learned to trust God in the journey, so I know regardless of how it turns out or what it looks like it's gonna be good, but right now I just have to choose hope over everything else because that's the only way to live.  I know I'm gonna have ups & downs through this thing but ya know what, right now, I CHOOSE HOPE!  I'm gonna have faith that this thing is gonna happen! 

Btw, to my readers, I really don't mean to "get religious" on anyone...so I thought I should mention, I'm actually not big on religion, but I AM big on my own personal relationship with God, so I'm realizing that may come up more in my blogs as I fight through this thing, because it's honestly what keeps me strong. 

Crazy

Omg, the things I am feeling!!  I feel like my emotions have been up & down, around & through for the last couple days.  Honestly I'm not sure where I'm at right now.  Last night I finally got to talk to my hubby about everything (see, even that seems like forever ago!), which was good cuz being at work yesterday was killing me w/out having been able to talk to him yet!  Anyway, so we talked about our options & decided we'd like to wait at least one more cycle before going to the RE, just to see if maybe things do start regulating after the Provera that I took to start this cycle.  I'm giving my body one more chance!  If I don't ovulate by 60 days again then I'll go ahead & go to the RE.  

Omg I'm like so emotional when I think about all this.  Honestly I really have been all over the place...& I say that to mean that it's not like I've been just purely depressed about this or anything.  I've been sad, hopeful, wondering, strong, helpless, just everything.  I think most of all though I feel disappointed.  I just feel like this Dx makes our conception problems so much more real, & all the resulting possibilities so much more real...such as having to do fertility treatments, them working, them not working, adopting, etc, omg, it's just so much to think about.  And I feel like now I need to consider these things more than I did before, & prepare myself, as much as that's even possible I guess, for the various possibilities.  I am, in NO WAY, giving up though.  Right now I am very much believing that we will somehow be able to have a biological child, I just also realize, that there is literally NOTHING I myself can do about this.  Nothing I can physically do to make it happen (besides doing fertility treatments).  In a way that makes me feel so helpless, but in another way I feel like my only option is to trust God, & this whole thing is making me trust Him more than I've ever had to before.  

One thing that is really hard for me is knowing how much my hubby wants to have children.  And I mean I LOVE that about him...I love that he has always wanted to have a family & be a great dad, so somehow that makes it that much harder that we are having these difficulties.  I can live with my own disappointment (maybe), but knowing it will affect him too is so hard.  And I mean, he's been pretty amazing, & very supportive about this whole thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I KNOW this is hard for him in some way.  He's choosing to be very hopeful, which is great, & I just hope he won't have to endure anything else, & that it will just all work out, w/out taking years to get there.

That's another thing.  It's so crazy cuz we've always been such planners...we've planned out our lives, & we've always been prepared for each new step we took, & pretty much "done everything right", as they say.  We've taken the most control possible over our lives, in a good way, always pushing ourselves to be the best we can be, to accomplish, reach our goals, etc.  And now this is really one of the first BIG things in life that I feel like I have no control over.  It's a weird feeling.  We had always planned out when we wanted to have kids, but now that we're here, we have no control over when that will happen, or how long it will take, which is kinda hard.  I'm having to "let go" in a whole new way, & am doing my best to find peace with that.  I'm still incredibly determined to enjoy my life now, & that even if life gets re-arranged, or out of the order I want it to be in, I just hope it doesn't get changed around TOO much, lol.  I just have to have faith & believe what I always have - that God has me covered, & that's it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to!  


It's just all of this is crazy, just crazy.   

What is PCOS?

Btw, just realized I never said what PCOS meant! For those of you not familiar w/ the fertility world, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, & it's a collection of symptoms that indicate a problem in which certain hormones are out of balance, making ovulation sometimes illusive/irregular, which obviously impacts your menstrual cycle & ability to conceive.  It affects everyone differently, obviously, & some women may still ovulate on a somewhat regular basis, where others may ovulate only a few times a year (causing long, irregular/unpredictable cycles -->not easy for baby making!).  Some women that have PCOS never ovulate at all, & some may ovulate occasionally but also have many anovulatory cycles (cycles in which ovulation does not occur) throughout the year.  It just depends.  Also, as the name suggests, PCOS is associated with having cysts on your ovaries (usually the imbalance of hormones is what causes the follicles to develop into cysts instead of ovulating). 

Also it should be noted that usually PCOS is associated with women who are overweight, & often involves weight-related issues.  For me, I'm not overweight, & I have what some would call "thin PCOS" or "lean PCOS".  This is part of the reason why I originally never thought I had PCOS, because I just don't fit into the category of the "type" of women that usually have it.  I'm not overweight, don't have high blood pressure (actually have low blood pressure!), & don't have extra hair on my body!  But I've since learned there are many women of normal weight who have it as well (thus, lean PCOS), & that it's actually fairly common...PCOS is the #1 cause of infertility, & almost 1 out of every 10 women has it!  Kinda crazy.

Dx: PCOS

Well, I suppose...I guess it looks like now I have some answers I'd probably rather not have.  I finally heard back from my obgyn today about my CD3 bloodwork results, & initially she said that the elevated testosterone levels "made her think that my menstrual abnormalities may be due to PCOS".  She then asked what my goals were & if I stilled wanted to pursue pregnancy.  I wasn't really sure how to take that at first.  The part that stood out to me is "MAY be" due to PCOS?  I wasn't really feeling satisfied with that, obviously, I want a more definite answer!  

So I consulted w/ my trusted ladies on "the bump" on how I should proceed from there, as far as if I should pursue further testing with my obgyn to "firm up" the diagnosis, or if I should ask to go straight to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist -->basically a fertility expert) to move forward.  I got mixed reviews, but most said at least pursue further testing, & firm up that "may be" part, if not also going to an RE.  I wasn't totally sure about the RE part yet, so when I wrote back to my dr (these were emails), I told her I was definitely still planning to pursue pregnancy, & I asked about the "may be" part, & said I would like a more definitive diagnosis, since PCOS could obviously play a big role in my fertility.  I asked if there were further tests we should do to get a more definite answer (I mentioned testing the LH:FSH ratio since my blood tests didn't include that, blood test for insulin resistance, & ultrasound to check for polycystic ovaries, since she hadn't ordered that).  

In her reply, however, she clarified that "by accepted criteria, I DO have PCOS, by having infrequent menses & biochemical evidence of hyperandrogenism", & she further stated that we did not need to test the LH:FSH ratio or do an ultrasound to further prove that, but did say it was a good idea to test for insulin resistance, & said she would order that test.  She then said that since we know I'm not ovulating regularly, & we have a likely reason for that, that she suggested (I didn't have to ask!) referring me to an RE.  She also said that of course, if I wanted to wait longer before getting help, then I can do that too.

I honestly felt very deflated.  At the moment I read that last email response from her, I was alone at home, & my hubby had actually just gone to work, so I didn't get to tell him, although he did know about her previous email saying that I may have it.  I think in my mind I was thinking maybe there really was a chance I didn't have it (and hey, maybe I don't!) & that's why she said it the way she did initially, but when I read that second email that clarified & gave a definitive "yes", then I kind of broke down & started crying.  And I know, I know, PCOS is NOT a death sentence to fertility, & it's still very likely that I'll be able to conceive (just may end up needing extra help & it may take longer), but obviously it would just be easier if I didn't have it at all...duh! lol.  I think w/ these bloodwork results I was really hoping that if they all came back normal then maybe that meant my body was just still regulating from the BC, & maybe everything really would go back to normal at some point.  Now I know there's a good chance that it won't be that easy, & my cycles may or may not ever "regulate".  

And honestly, part of me is still skeptical.  But hey.  As far as going to see an RE, I don't really know where I stand on that right now.  I'm anxious to get a chance to talk with my hubby about all this & see what he thinks.  If I do go see an RE, I believe our insurance only covers 50% of fertility related costs, so there would be substantial costs to us (which I'd already kind of started mentally preparing myself for).  So that's a factor as well.  Part of me wants to wait a little longer "just to see" if maybe my body does something different this cycle, but obviously there's no guarantee that waiting is going to make things any different.  

The funny thing is, I'm actually having ovulation pains today! lol.  How awesome would it be if I really did ovulate??  Anyway, still processing all of this...right now not sure if I want to accept it, not sure if I want to move forward either, so we'll see where I end up.