So...there are things I really do miss about being on birth control! Sometimes it does bum me out how much not being on it is affecting my body, & even my self esteem as it turns out. For example, the biggest thing I miss is my boobs! I don't know if this is unusual, or if this happens to other people, but after coming off BCP, my boobs totally shrank! lol. Seriously though, it sucks! I don't know what the heck happened, & maybe it's my hormones being all weird (not ovulating might be a factor in that), but it does really bother me sometimes. I have smaller boobs anyway, but I always felt like they were a perfect size, & I was really completely happy with them. But now with how they've changed I just don't feel that way anymore, & no matter how much my DH reassures me, I can't help but feel less sexy. :( ugh. Depressing...lol.
Other ways I hate that the absence of BCP is affecting my body is that now I have acne again! I always hated acne, & I was one of those teenagers who was on every acne medication, including the strongest one out there (it's a pretty serious acne medication) called Acutane. And I actually had to go on that twice!! Now mind you, the acne I'm having now is nothing compared to how bad I had it back then, but still, it's so frustrating! When I was on BCP, that totally kept my acne "in check", & I really did have beautifully clear, amazing skin. In fact I got many compliments about my complexion. Now my face is all oily & I'm having to wash it a lot more, & use cover-up frequently now, & even then you can still see the acne & it just doesn't look as good as before. It's spreading too, I have it on my face, neck, chest, & back! When it comes to summer time again I think I would even feel self conscious about wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt. :(
It's just a bummer to go from feeling pretty great about yourself to totally not, & also to have nothing to show for it. If I was pregnant obviously there would be a thousand reasons to forget about acne, & I'd probably actually have even bigger boobs than before (haha!), but that's not the case. I find myself strangely almost looking forward to when I can go back on BCP sometime in the future (prob not til we're done having kids), & feel good about myself again, lol. But then I think to myself if I do end up having trouble getting pregnant, then even that may never happen. I guess I still wish I could just KNOW that my body was going to sort itself out at the end of all this, & that there would be that successful pregnancy we've been waiting for. :) But I have to be content with waiting for now.
I actually have grown a lot in my patience. I feel like for a variety of reasons my perspective has completely changed recently, & rather than being anxious, fearful of the future, & expecting the worst for our journey, I have finally been able to relax, enjoy the life I'm currently living, & think positively about our future. I used to feel a sadness whenever I thought about us TTC, because I was so discouraged by my body not doing what it should, but now, even though that hasn't changed, I feel excited again when I think about TTC, which is good, because trying to bring a little life into the world really is such an exciting thing!! And no amount of setbacks should change that excitement. :)
The final thing that I noticed post BCP were some mood swings, which I am totally not accustomed to! I've always been a pretty stable person most of the time, which is why the intensity of some of my emotions & reactions during the first part of our TTC process were so surprising, even to myself. It was really unnerving to feel so overcome with emotions, & to feel like I had no control over it. It seemed like I had this underlying sadness all the time, & could be brought to tears at a moment's notice. Granted, although some of those emotions I felt really were for legitimate reasons (I really was frustrated & discouraged), the intensity of them was definitely something I'm not used to, & it really threw me off. I'm guessing these mood swings were probably a result of imbalanced hormones coming off the pill, & my body, as I like to say, "trying to figure itself out". The good thing is, I feel like at least for now, that whole "craziness" has subsided, & even though my hormones may still be trying to figure themselves out, I at least, feel sane again. lol. :)
I feel like I've turned a corner, & that now that we're just hitting the "6 month mark" of TTC, I've already processed through a lot of my fears & anxieties, & can at least face the future with a positive outlook, & a determination to keep enjoying the life I'm living. And that feels like a relief, honestly, after some of the emotions I've been through in the last 6 months.
As far as my body goes, nothing has really changed as far as I can tell. I was really hoping that charting my temps this cycle would show that I was ovulating, but I'm on cycle day (CD) 63 & that hasn't happened. :( I've already talked with my OBGYN, & in a few days unless AF (aunt flow) starts, I'll probably be starting a medication to induce a period & jump-start my cycle. New beginnings! Hopefully that will be a good thing, & help my body start regulating. I think one thing that really has helped me calm down & not be so anxious anymore is just realizing that it really can take your body a year to adjust after being on BC, & so I'm learning to be patient with my body & give it the time it needs. Another thing I've taken into consideration with this last cycle is that I've been sick twice (once throwing up w/ the flu, & now a cold), & so that may've factored into not ovulating as well, who knows. But in any case, I've got a ways to go before I should do any worrying! For now just relaxing, & being truly thankful, for all the amazing blessings I do have in my life!! I really am blessed!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My Story of Beginning the TTC Process
So I went off birth control pills (BCP) in August 2012, & we officially started trying! Since then it has been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions. I had been on birth control for about 10 years or so, so I was a little nervous about the way my body would react when I went off of it after being on it for so long. I originally started birth control when I was a teenager to help with my acne (and I was on the acne medication, acutane, which is quite powerful & requires you to be on birth control). Well my first cycle I had when I went off BCP was 50 days long! I was a little worried at first, but then I started reading up & discovered that it takes many women's bodies some time to begin ovulation again after going off BCP. Once I finally got that first period I was relieved! I felt like we could finally start officially trying! I guess I assumed that my cycle would be back to normal after that, but I was wrong. My 2nd cycle I started using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits), but got multiple positive results (and they were a week apart!), so I got confused. I assumed that one of them was right, but turns out neither of them were. My cycle ended going WAY longer than it would've been if any one of the OPKs had been right. I also started experiencing a lot of weird symptoms, like lower abdominal cramping, extreme fatigue, bloating, a few bouts of nausea, & what I'm assuming now must've been ovulation pains (but it went on for a few weeks!). I became very suspicious that maybe I was pregnant, & since my cycle was going on for so long I started testing...and testing...and testing, & testing! Nothing, all came back negative. But I couldn't make sense of what was happening in my body. Finally I contacted my doctor, told her the strange symptoms I was having & how long my cycle had been & had a blood test done. The results still came back negative.
During this whole time when I really thought my symptoms must've been due to pregnancy, although I was getting negative results, I became very anxious & frustrated. I had already read the book "What to Expect Before You're Expecting", as well as the first 5 chapters (which were preparatory) of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" before we started trying so that I at least had some understanding of what might happen. Well during this time a friend of mine recommended I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", so I did. I can say that was probably the best choice I made during that whole crazy process. That book is AMAZING, & gave me so much insight into my body & things that I could do to start understanding what was happening better. So towards the end of that 2nd cycle I started charting my temperatures (temps) & my CF (cervical fluid). Prior to reading TCOYF (Taking Charge of Your Fertility) I really didn't want to start charting & taking temps & all that...I just didn't want to get that into it, & figured that was something for maybe farther down the line. Well I realized during that 2nd cycle that was so crazy & anxiety-provoking, that the information I would get from charting (like knowing if I ovulated, & exactly when, etc.) would've made the whole thing so much calmer because I would've known exactly what was going on! I also realized that just because I would start charting didn't mean anything was wrong necessarily, but it did mean if I had problems down the road that at least I would have some info to give my doctor, so we could be starting at a more knowledgeable place. I realized charting could ONLY help me, & I'm so glad I made that choice. Well that 2nd cycle lasted 65 days (seemed like an eternity!) & then I started on cycle #3.
Well right now I'm 45 days into cycle #3 & I've been charting the whole time, but so far my chart shows that I haven't ovulated. The good thing is, because of that I know not to freak out & start testing. The bad thing is I've been wondering if maybe my body isn't actually ovulating yet, & that my "periods" might be only estrogen withdrawal or breakthrough bleeding (can happen if you have anovulatory cycles). But there is no way to know this until the cycle is over, since this is my first full cycle that I've been charting. More than anything I just really want my body to work how it should, & for ovulation to happen. I don't even necessarily mind if my cycles are longer, just so long as ovulation is actually happening so we can actually be "trying", because obviously without ovulation, we can't really. It has been almost 6 months now, & I'm not going to lie, sometimes this whole thing gets me feeling frustrated with my body, or just makes me feel sad, mostly because I just want to know that things are working, & I want a chance to legitimately "try" for a baby. I know that it can take up to a year for the body to adjust after BCP, but of course you hope it doesn't actually take that long, & I guess this is just discouraging. But I have to keep my head up, & believe that it will happen & my body will figure itself out eventually!
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