My Story of Beginning the TTC Process

So...my first post!  I've never written a real blog before, so this is kind of exciting!  I've decided to create this blog as an outlet for me during this whole "TTC" (trying to conceive) process, because sometimes I just really need a place where I can safely let out all my feelings.  Much as this can be an exciting journey, I've realized it can be a challenging one as well, which leads to many different emotions.  So I guess I'll start with our story.  My husband (DH = dear hubby) & I are both 25 years old, & have been married now for 5 1/2 years.  During that time we have been working on school & our careers, & have been really looking forward to the time when we were finally ready to start a family.  Well I'm excited to say that now is that time!  Both of us have dreamed of having a family for so long, & I remember that making the decision that we were finally ready to start trying was so exciting!!

So I went off birth control pills (BCP) in August 2012, & we officially started trying!  Since then it has been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions.  I had been on birth control for about 10 years or so, so I was a little nervous about the way my body would react when I went off of it after being on it for so long.  I originally started birth control when I was a teenager to help with my acne (and I was on the acne medication, acutane, which is quite powerful & requires you to be on birth control).  Well my first cycle I had when I went off BCP was 50 days long!  I was a little worried at first, but then I started reading up & discovered that it takes many women's bodies some time to begin ovulation again after going off BCP.  Once I finally got that first period I was relieved!  I felt like we could finally start officially trying!  I guess I assumed that my cycle would be back to normal after that, but I was wrong.  My 2nd cycle I started using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits), but got multiple positive results (and they were a week apart!), so I got confused.  I assumed that one of them was right, but turns out neither of them were.  My cycle ended going WAY longer than it would've been if any one of the OPKs had been right.  I also started experiencing a lot of weird symptoms, like lower abdominal cramping, extreme fatigue, bloating, a few bouts of nausea, & what I'm assuming now must've been ovulation pains (but it went on for a few weeks!).  I became very suspicious that maybe I was pregnant, & since my cycle was going on for so long I started testing...and testing...and testing, & testing!  Nothing, all came back negative.  But I couldn't make sense of what was happening in my body.  Finally I contacted my doctor, told her the strange symptoms I was having & how long my cycle had been & had a blood test done.  The results still came back negative.  

During this whole time when I really thought my symptoms must've been due to pregnancy, although I was getting negative results, I became very anxious & frustrated.  I had already read the book "What to Expect Before You're Expecting", as well as the first 5 chapters (which were preparatory) of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" before we started trying so that I at least had some understanding of what might happen.  Well during this time a friend of mine recommended I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", so I did.  I can say that was probably the best choice I made during that whole crazy process.  That book is AMAZING, & gave me so much insight into my body & things that I could do to start understanding what was happening better.  So towards the end of that 2nd cycle I started charting my temperatures (temps) & my CF (cervical fluid).  Prior to reading TCOYF (Taking Charge of Your Fertility) I really didn't want to start charting & taking temps & all that...I just didn't want to get that into it, & figured that was something for maybe farther down the line.  Well I realized during that 2nd cycle that was so crazy & anxiety-provoking, that the information I would get from charting (like knowing if I ovulated, & exactly when, etc.) would've made the whole thing so much calmer because I would've known exactly what was going on!  I also realized that just because I would start charting didn't mean anything was wrong necessarily, but it did mean if I had problems down the road that at least I would have some info to give my doctor, so we could be starting at a more knowledgeable place.  I realized charting could ONLY help me, &  I'm so glad I made that choice.  Well that 2nd cycle lasted 65 days (seemed like an eternity!) & then I started on cycle #3.  

Well right now I'm 45 days into cycle #3 & I've been charting the whole time, but so far my chart shows that I haven't ovulated.  The good thing is, because of that I know not to freak out & start testing.  The bad thing is I've been wondering if maybe my body isn't actually ovulating yet, & that my "periods" might be only estrogen withdrawal or breakthrough bleeding (can happen if you have anovulatory cycles).  But there is no way to know this until the cycle is over, since this is my first full cycle that I've been charting.  More than anything I just really want my body to work how it should, & for ovulation to happen.  I don't even necessarily mind if my cycles are longer, just so long as ovulation is actually happening so we can actually be "trying", because obviously without ovulation, we can't really.  It has been almost 6 months now, & I'm not going to lie, sometimes this whole thing gets me feeling frustrated with my body, or just makes me feel sad, mostly because I just want to know that things are working, & I want a chance to legitimately "try" for a baby.  I know that it can take up to a year for the body to adjust after BCP, but  of course you hope it doesn't actually take that long, & I guess this is just discouraging.  But I have to keep my head up, & believe that it will happen & my body will figure itself out eventually!