So right now I'm feeling like ya know what? Screw PCOS...seriously efff that, because PCOS or not, I'm gonna have a baby! I don't know how or when but ya know what I am just gonna believe this right now! I believe in God, I believe in the crazy favor He has poured out over my life, I believe in the "Christmas every day" that was spoken over me, & I believe in miracles! I KNOW that God has good things for my life. More than ever, I've learned to trust God in the journey, so I know regardless of how it turns out or what it looks like it's gonna be good, but right now I just have to choose hope over everything else because that's the only way to live. I know I'm gonna have ups & downs through this thing but ya know what, right now, I CHOOSE HOPE! I'm gonna have faith that this thing is gonna happen!
Btw, to my readers, I really don't mean to "get religious" on anyone...so I thought I should mention, I'm actually not big on religion, but I AM big on my own personal relationship with God, so I'm realizing that may come up more in my blogs as I fight through this thing, because it's honestly what keeps me strong.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Crazy
Omg, the things I am feeling!! I feel like my emotions have been up & down, around & through for the last couple days. Honestly I'm not sure where I'm at right now. Last night I finally got to talk to my hubby about everything (see, even that seems like forever ago!), which was good cuz being at work yesterday was killing me w/out having been able to talk to him yet! Anyway, so we talked about our options & decided we'd like to wait at least one more cycle before going to the RE, just to see if maybe things do start regulating after the Provera that I took to start this cycle. I'm giving my body one more chance! If I don't ovulate by 60 days again then I'll go ahead & go to the RE.
Omg I'm like so emotional when I think about all this. Honestly I really have been all over the place...& I say that to mean that it's not like I've been just purely depressed about this or anything. I've been sad, hopeful, wondering, strong, helpless, just everything. I think most of all though I feel disappointed. I just feel like this Dx makes our conception problems so much more real, & all the resulting possibilities so much more real...such as having to do fertility treatments, them working, them not working, adopting, etc, omg, it's just so much to think about. And I feel like now I need to consider these things more than I did before, & prepare myself, as much as that's even possible I guess, for the various possibilities. I am, in NO WAY, giving up though. Right now I am very much believing that we will somehow be able to have a biological child, I just also realize, that there is literally NOTHING I myself can do about this. Nothing I can physically do to make it happen (besides doing fertility treatments). In a way that makes me feel so helpless, but in another way I feel like my only option is to trust God, & this whole thing is making me trust Him more than I've ever had to before.
One thing that is really hard for me is knowing how much my hubby wants to have children. And I mean I LOVE that about him...I love that he has always wanted to have a family & be a great dad, so somehow that makes it that much harder that we are having these difficulties. I can live with my own disappointment (maybe), but knowing it will affect him too is so hard. And I mean, he's been pretty amazing, & very supportive about this whole thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I KNOW this is hard for him in some way. He's choosing to be very hopeful, which is great, & I just hope he won't have to endure anything else, & that it will just all work out, w/out taking years to get there.
That's another thing. It's so crazy cuz we've always been such planners...we've planned out our lives, & we've always been prepared for each new step we took, & pretty much "done everything right", as they say. We've taken the most control possible over our lives, in a good way, always pushing ourselves to be the best we can be, to accomplish, reach our goals, etc. And now this is really one of the first BIG things in life that I feel like I have no control over. It's a weird feeling. We had always planned out when we wanted to have kids, but now that we're here, we have no control over when that will happen, or how long it will take, which is kinda hard. I'm having to "let go" in a whole new way, & am doing my best to find peace with that. I'm still incredibly determined to enjoy my life now, & that even if life gets re-arranged, or out of the order I want it to be in, I just hope it doesn't get changed around TOO much, lol. I just have to have faith & believe what I always have - that God has me covered, & that's it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to!
It's just all of this is crazy, just crazy.
Omg I'm like so emotional when I think about all this. Honestly I really have been all over the place...& I say that to mean that it's not like I've been just purely depressed about this or anything. I've been sad, hopeful, wondering, strong, helpless, just everything. I think most of all though I feel disappointed. I just feel like this Dx makes our conception problems so much more real, & all the resulting possibilities so much more real...such as having to do fertility treatments, them working, them not working, adopting, etc, omg, it's just so much to think about. And I feel like now I need to consider these things more than I did before, & prepare myself, as much as that's even possible I guess, for the various possibilities. I am, in NO WAY, giving up though. Right now I am very much believing that we will somehow be able to have a biological child, I just also realize, that there is literally NOTHING I myself can do about this. Nothing I can physically do to make it happen (besides doing fertility treatments). In a way that makes me feel so helpless, but in another way I feel like my only option is to trust God, & this whole thing is making me trust Him more than I've ever had to before.
One thing that is really hard for me is knowing how much my hubby wants to have children. And I mean I LOVE that about him...I love that he has always wanted to have a family & be a great dad, so somehow that makes it that much harder that we are having these difficulties. I can live with my own disappointment (maybe), but knowing it will affect him too is so hard. And I mean, he's been pretty amazing, & very supportive about this whole thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I KNOW this is hard for him in some way. He's choosing to be very hopeful, which is great, & I just hope he won't have to endure anything else, & that it will just all work out, w/out taking years to get there.
That's another thing. It's so crazy cuz we've always been such planners...we've planned out our lives, & we've always been prepared for each new step we took, & pretty much "done everything right", as they say. We've taken the most control possible over our lives, in a good way, always pushing ourselves to be the best we can be, to accomplish, reach our goals, etc. And now this is really one of the first BIG things in life that I feel like I have no control over. It's a weird feeling. We had always planned out when we wanted to have kids, but now that we're here, we have no control over when that will happen, or how long it will take, which is kinda hard. I'm having to "let go" in a whole new way, & am doing my best to find peace with that. I'm still incredibly determined to enjoy my life now, & that even if life gets re-arranged, or out of the order I want it to be in, I just hope it doesn't get changed around TOO much, lol. I just have to have faith & believe what I always have - that God has me covered, & that's it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to!
It's just all of this is crazy, just crazy.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
What is PCOS?
Btw, just realized I never said what PCOS meant! For those of you not familiar w/ the fertility world, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, & it's a collection of symptoms that indicate a problem in which certain hormones are out of balance, making ovulation sometimes illusive/irregular, which obviously impacts your menstrual cycle & ability to conceive. It affects everyone differently, obviously, & some women may still ovulate on a somewhat regular basis, where others may ovulate only a few times a year (causing long, irregular/unpredictable cycles -->not easy for baby making!). Some women that have PCOS never ovulate at all, & some may ovulate occasionally but also have many anovulatory cycles (cycles in which ovulation does not occur) throughout the year. It just depends. Also, as the name suggests, PCOS is associated with having cysts on your ovaries (usually the imbalance of hormones is what causes the follicles to develop into cysts instead of ovulating).
Also it should be noted that usually PCOS is associated with women who are overweight, & often involves weight-related issues. For me, I'm not overweight, & I have what some would call "thin PCOS" or "lean PCOS". This is part of the reason why I originally never thought I had PCOS, because I just don't fit into the category of the "type" of women that usually have it. I'm not overweight, don't have high blood pressure (actually have low blood pressure!), & don't have extra hair on my body! But I've since learned there are many women of normal weight who have it as well (thus, lean PCOS), & that it's actually fairly common...PCOS is the #1 cause of infertility, & almost 1 out of every 10 women has it! Kinda crazy.
Also it should be noted that usually PCOS is associated with women who are overweight, & often involves weight-related issues. For me, I'm not overweight, & I have what some would call "thin PCOS" or "lean PCOS". This is part of the reason why I originally never thought I had PCOS, because I just don't fit into the category of the "type" of women that usually have it. I'm not overweight, don't have high blood pressure (actually have low blood pressure!), & don't have extra hair on my body! But I've since learned there are many women of normal weight who have it as well (thus, lean PCOS), & that it's actually fairly common...PCOS is the #1 cause of infertility, & almost 1 out of every 10 women has it! Kinda crazy.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Dx: PCOS
Well, I suppose...I guess it looks like now I have some answers I'd probably rather not have. I finally heard back from my obgyn today about my CD3 bloodwork results, & initially she said that the elevated testosterone levels "made her think that my menstrual abnormalities may be due to PCOS". She then asked what my goals were & if I stilled wanted to pursue pregnancy. I wasn't really sure how to take that at first. The part that stood out to me is "MAY be" due to PCOS? I wasn't really feeling satisfied with that, obviously, I want a more definite answer!
So I consulted w/ my trusted ladies on "the bump" on how I should proceed from there, as far as if I should pursue further testing with my obgyn to "firm up" the diagnosis, or if I should ask to go straight to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist -->basically a fertility expert) to move forward. I got mixed reviews, but most said at least pursue further testing, & firm up that "may be" part, if not also going to an RE. I wasn't totally sure about the RE part yet, so when I wrote back to my dr (these were emails), I told her I was definitely still planning to pursue pregnancy, & I asked about the "may be" part, & said I would like a more definitive diagnosis, since PCOS could obviously play a big role in my fertility. I asked if there were further tests we should do to get a more definite answer (I mentioned testing the LH:FSH ratio since my blood tests didn't include that, blood test for insulin resistance, & ultrasound to check for polycystic ovaries, since she hadn't ordered that).
In her reply, however, she clarified that "by accepted criteria, I DO have PCOS, by having infrequent menses & biochemical evidence of hyperandrogenism", & she further stated that we did not need to test the LH:FSH ratio or do an ultrasound to further prove that, but did say it was a good idea to test for insulin resistance, & said she would order that test. She then said that since we know I'm not ovulating regularly, & we have a likely reason for that, that she suggested (I didn't have to ask!) referring me to an RE. She also said that of course, if I wanted to wait longer before getting help, then I can do that too.
I honestly felt very deflated. At the moment I read that last email response from her, I was alone at home, & my hubby had actually just gone to work, so I didn't get to tell him, although he did know about her previous email saying that I may have it. I think in my mind I was thinking maybe there really was a chance I didn't have it (and hey, maybe I don't!) & that's why she said it the way she did initially, but when I read that second email that clarified & gave a definitive "yes", then I kind of broke down & started crying. And I know, I know, PCOS is NOT a death sentence to fertility, & it's still very likely that I'll be able to conceive (just may end up needing extra help & it may take longer), but obviously it would just be easier if I didn't have it at all...duh! lol. I think w/ these bloodwork results I was really hoping that if they all came back normal then maybe that meant my body was just still regulating from the BC, & maybe everything really would go back to normal at some point. Now I know there's a good chance that it won't be that easy, & my cycles may or may not ever "regulate".
And honestly, part of me is still skeptical. But hey. As far as going to see an RE, I don't really know where I stand on that right now. I'm anxious to get a chance to talk with my hubby about all this & see what he thinks. If I do go see an RE, I believe our insurance only covers 50% of fertility related costs, so there would be substantial costs to us (which I'd already kind of started mentally preparing myself for). So that's a factor as well. Part of me wants to wait a little longer "just to see" if maybe my body does something different this cycle, but obviously there's no guarantee that waiting is going to make things any different.
The funny thing is, I'm actually having ovulation pains today! lol. How awesome would it be if I really did ovulate?? Anyway, still processing all of this...right now not sure if I want to accept it, not sure if I want to move forward either, so we'll see where I end up.
So I consulted w/ my trusted ladies on "the bump" on how I should proceed from there, as far as if I should pursue further testing with my obgyn to "firm up" the diagnosis, or if I should ask to go straight to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist -->basically a fertility expert) to move forward. I got mixed reviews, but most said at least pursue further testing, & firm up that "may be" part, if not also going to an RE. I wasn't totally sure about the RE part yet, so when I wrote back to my dr (these were emails), I told her I was definitely still planning to pursue pregnancy, & I asked about the "may be" part, & said I would like a more definitive diagnosis, since PCOS could obviously play a big role in my fertility. I asked if there were further tests we should do to get a more definite answer (I mentioned testing the LH:FSH ratio since my blood tests didn't include that, blood test for insulin resistance, & ultrasound to check for polycystic ovaries, since she hadn't ordered that).
In her reply, however, she clarified that "by accepted criteria, I DO have PCOS, by having infrequent menses & biochemical evidence of hyperandrogenism", & she further stated that we did not need to test the LH:FSH ratio or do an ultrasound to further prove that, but did say it was a good idea to test for insulin resistance, & said she would order that test. She then said that since we know I'm not ovulating regularly, & we have a likely reason for that, that she suggested (I didn't have to ask!) referring me to an RE. She also said that of course, if I wanted to wait longer before getting help, then I can do that too.
I honestly felt very deflated. At the moment I read that last email response from her, I was alone at home, & my hubby had actually just gone to work, so I didn't get to tell him, although he did know about her previous email saying that I may have it. I think in my mind I was thinking maybe there really was a chance I didn't have it (and hey, maybe I don't!) & that's why she said it the way she did initially, but when I read that second email that clarified & gave a definitive "yes", then I kind of broke down & started crying. And I know, I know, PCOS is NOT a death sentence to fertility, & it's still very likely that I'll be able to conceive (just may end up needing extra help & it may take longer), but obviously it would just be easier if I didn't have it at all...duh! lol. I think w/ these bloodwork results I was really hoping that if they all came back normal then maybe that meant my body was just still regulating from the BC, & maybe everything really would go back to normal at some point. Now I know there's a good chance that it won't be that easy, & my cycles may or may not ever "regulate".
And honestly, part of me is still skeptical. But hey. As far as going to see an RE, I don't really know where I stand on that right now. I'm anxious to get a chance to talk with my hubby about all this & see what he thinks. If I do go see an RE, I believe our insurance only covers 50% of fertility related costs, so there would be substantial costs to us (which I'd already kind of started mentally preparing myself for). So that's a factor as well. Part of me wants to wait a little longer "just to see" if maybe my body does something different this cycle, but obviously there's no guarantee that waiting is going to make things any different.
The funny thing is, I'm actually having ovulation pains today! lol. How awesome would it be if I really did ovulate?? Anyway, still processing all of this...right now not sure if I want to accept it, not sure if I want to move forward either, so we'll see where I end up.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I spoke too soon...
Shit...so ya know how I said all my bloodwork (bw) results had come back normal so far? Well today I log on to see 2 new results that had come back, & guess what, they were abnormal! :( It looks like I have high androgen & testosterone levels, which is, unfortunately, very indicative of PCOS. Ugh...I really REALLY don't want to have PCOS. Of course nothing is for sure yet, I will have to wait til ALL the results are in & my OB gives me her opinion of the results. I guess we'll see.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Oh body...what are you doing?
Well, I had my CD3 bloodwork done a week ago, so I'm glad that's out of the way. I don't think all the results are back yet, but from the results I've seen so far everything looks normal. I'm happy about that because I REALLY didn't want to have signs of PCOS. However, until I have a cycle where I can actually see that I ovulate, I'm going to still be wondering if things really are okay with my body. Like today I felt a little frustrated because I started spotting. I'm not sure what that's about. When I actually went to the OBgyn a few weeks ago to get checked, it was because I was experiencing some bleeding during/after intercourse, & I figured that couldn't be right! But when I got checked out my OB said everything looked fine, there's no infection, etc, & she did order the CD3 blood tests, but said the small amount of bleeding could just be from having blood vessels at the surface of my cervix, or from the changes in my cycle, etc. Well, guess what brought on the spotting today? Yep, that's right, BD(baby dance)! Although I've spotted the rest of the day since, so who knows if BDing actually had anything to do with it or not; it might've been about to happen anyway. I'm curious if anyone else has experienced spotting brought on by BDing. I'm not used to spotting at all, but who's to say what's normal now that I don't have BC to regulate my hormones. I guess I just have to be patient, & although I feel like it's super weird, if my OB says things are fine then I can't really argue w/ that! If the issue doesn't resolve itself over time then I'll think about talking w/ her about it again. The spotting could even be because of the Provera, maybe that messed w/ my lining & stuff, who knows.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
AF!
AF has come! Happy Valentine's Day to me I guess, lol. Yeah kind of a bummer to come on V-day, haha, but really I'm SO happy & thankful for the chance to start over again! Cycle 3 is now over, & it finished at 80 long days...yep, 80! To all the women who talk about how hard the "2 week wait" is, I have to say, I think the never-ending wait for ovulation is worse! I actually can't wait til I finally get to experience a 2 week wait (2ww). At least then I will know there is a possibility of having made a baby. :)
Ahh, but yes, I'm very happy to be finally starting over, & I'm so glad the Provera worked! I'll be going in for CD3 bloodwork testing on Saturday to get a rule-out on PCOS or anything else that could be causing the problems with my ovulation. I really hope that everything comes out normal & that with this jump-start my body will just decide to start regulating! :)
Ahh, but yes, I'm very happy to be finally starting over, & I'm so glad the Provera worked! I'll be going in for CD3 bloodwork testing on Saturday to get a rule-out on PCOS or anything else that could be causing the problems with my ovulation. I really hope that everything comes out normal & that with this jump-start my body will just decide to start regulating! :)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Thought this was cool
For hubbies TTC:
http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/2011/09/07/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-when-its-your-wife-a-guest-post/
http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/2011/09/07/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-when-its-your-wife-a-guest-post/
Frustrated!
Ugh, feeling frustrated today! Just "ahhhhh!" Right now, really wishing I had started temping earlier in the TTC process, so I'd have some REAL evidence of whether I'm ovulating or not. I wish this cycle had turned up more in that regard; I kinda feel like this whole long ass cycle was just a waste! ugh. Sorry, I'm just mad right now. What brought this frustration on was a conversation on "the bump", a site I visit regularly, & some people were saying that ovulation is supposed to resume post BCP in about 90 days, but I've always heard & read it could be up to a year. So I post on the "trouble TTC" board to get answers from some of the ladies who've been at it a little longer, & even they are saying that not ovulating this far in sounds unusual. Ugh!! :/ The thing is, if I'd been charting for my 1st & 2nd cycle post BCP, I'd be able to say for sure if I ever O'd back then (although I don't think I did). And of course, w/ cycle 3 being the first one that I got to temp the whole time, I didn't O (ovulate), & also didn't even get to see the damn cycle finish cuz it was getting so long that I went on the Provera. Now I just feel like I have no good info, & am wondering AGAIN if maybe all of this really ISN'T normal. I think...if this next cycle doesn't show any ovulation (and I'm gonna wait it out this time, no Provera even if it gets long), then I'm gonna think about talking to my OB (obgyn) again & getting more serious, cuz I'm just so fed up. I really DON'T think that it's fair I should have to wait a whole year w/out any testing if I'm not O'ing at all, that's just a long time to "try" w/ there being no chance of any pregnancy.
Provera
Okay so, after I got to CD65, (which is how long my previous cycle was), but still with no AF, my Obgyn suggested I try Provera, which mimics progesterone in the body & is supposed to induce a period & jump-start the cycle. So I started that on CD68 & have been taking it for about 3 days now. I really hope it works, but more than that I really hope that this will be what my body needs to truly reset itself & finally start ovulating! I just want that so much! :) I was kind of disappointed that my cycle didn't end on its own this time, but esp. that I didn't ovulate - I REALLY wanted ovulation to happen! Of course now that I'm on the Provera my temps have spiked (bcuz of the progesterone), which normally only happens when you ovulate, so when I put the temps into my chart on fertilityfriend.com, it now says I've ovulated, but I know it's not true which is a bummer! :/ I was looking at the chart like ahhh man how cool would that be if that was true?! lol. But I am hopeful, that this will be just the reset I need! :)
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