Crazy

Omg, the things I am feeling!!  I feel like my emotions have been up & down, around & through for the last couple days.  Honestly I'm not sure where I'm at right now.  Last night I finally got to talk to my hubby about everything (see, even that seems like forever ago!), which was good cuz being at work yesterday was killing me w/out having been able to talk to him yet!  Anyway, so we talked about our options & decided we'd like to wait at least one more cycle before going to the RE, just to see if maybe things do start regulating after the Provera that I took to start this cycle.  I'm giving my body one more chance!  If I don't ovulate by 60 days again then I'll go ahead & go to the RE.  

Omg I'm like so emotional when I think about all this.  Honestly I really have been all over the place...& I say that to mean that it's not like I've been just purely depressed about this or anything.  I've been sad, hopeful, wondering, strong, helpless, just everything.  I think most of all though I feel disappointed.  I just feel like this Dx makes our conception problems so much more real, & all the resulting possibilities so much more real...such as having to do fertility treatments, them working, them not working, adopting, etc, omg, it's just so much to think about.  And I feel like now I need to consider these things more than I did before, & prepare myself, as much as that's even possible I guess, for the various possibilities.  I am, in NO WAY, giving up though.  Right now I am very much believing that we will somehow be able to have a biological child, I just also realize, that there is literally NOTHING I myself can do about this.  Nothing I can physically do to make it happen (besides doing fertility treatments).  In a way that makes me feel so helpless, but in another way I feel like my only option is to trust God, & this whole thing is making me trust Him more than I've ever had to before.  

One thing that is really hard for me is knowing how much my hubby wants to have children.  And I mean I LOVE that about him...I love that he has always wanted to have a family & be a great dad, so somehow that makes it that much harder that we are having these difficulties.  I can live with my own disappointment (maybe), but knowing it will affect him too is so hard.  And I mean, he's been pretty amazing, & very supportive about this whole thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I KNOW this is hard for him in some way.  He's choosing to be very hopeful, which is great, & I just hope he won't have to endure anything else, & that it will just all work out, w/out taking years to get there.

That's another thing.  It's so crazy cuz we've always been such planners...we've planned out our lives, & we've always been prepared for each new step we took, & pretty much "done everything right", as they say.  We've taken the most control possible over our lives, in a good way, always pushing ourselves to be the best we can be, to accomplish, reach our goals, etc.  And now this is really one of the first BIG things in life that I feel like I have no control over.  It's a weird feeling.  We had always planned out when we wanted to have kids, but now that we're here, we have no control over when that will happen, or how long it will take, which is kinda hard.  I'm having to "let go" in a whole new way, & am doing my best to find peace with that.  I'm still incredibly determined to enjoy my life now, & that even if life gets re-arranged, or out of the order I want it to be in, I just hope it doesn't get changed around TOO much, lol.  I just have to have faith & believe what I always have - that God has me covered, & that's it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to!  


It's just all of this is crazy, just crazy.