So...there are things I really do miss about being on birth control! Sometimes it does bum me out how much not being on it is affecting my body, & even my self esteem as it turns out. For example, the biggest thing I miss is my boobs! I don't know if this is unusual, or if this happens to other people, but after coming off BCP, my boobs totally shrank! lol. Seriously though, it sucks! I don't know what the heck happened, & maybe it's my hormones being all weird (not ovulating might be a factor in that), but it does really bother me sometimes. I have smaller boobs anyway, but I always felt like they were a perfect size, & I was really completely happy with them. But now with how they've changed I just don't feel that way anymore, & no matter how much my DH reassures me, I can't help but feel less sexy. :( ugh. Depressing...lol.
Other ways I hate that the absence of BCP is affecting my body is that now I have acne again! I always hated acne, & I was one of those teenagers who was on every acne medication, including the strongest one out there (it's a pretty serious acne medication) called Acutane. And I actually had to go on that twice!! Now mind you, the acne I'm having now is nothing compared to how bad I had it back then, but still, it's so frustrating! When I was on BCP, that totally kept my acne "in check", & I really did have beautifully clear, amazing skin. In fact I got many compliments about my complexion. Now my face is all oily & I'm having to wash it a lot more, & use cover-up frequently now, & even then you can still see the acne & it just doesn't look as good as before. It's spreading too, I have it on my face, neck, chest, & back! When it comes to summer time again I think I would even feel self conscious about wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt. :(
It's just a bummer to go from feeling pretty great about yourself to totally not, & also to have nothing to show for it. If I was pregnant obviously there would be a thousand reasons to forget about acne, & I'd probably actually have even bigger boobs than before (haha!), but that's not the case. I find myself strangely almost looking forward to when I can go back on BCP sometime in the future (prob not til we're done having kids), & feel good about myself again, lol. But then I think to myself if I do end up having trouble getting pregnant, then even that may never happen. I guess I still wish I could just KNOW that my body was going to sort itself out at the end of all this, & that there would be that successful pregnancy we've been waiting for. :) But I have to be content with waiting for now.
I actually have grown a lot in my patience. I feel like for a variety of reasons my perspective has completely changed recently, & rather than being anxious, fearful of the future, & expecting the worst for our journey, I have finally been able to relax, enjoy the life I'm currently living, & think positively about our future. I used to feel a sadness whenever I thought about us TTC, because I was so discouraged by my body not doing what it should, but now, even though that hasn't changed, I feel excited again when I think about TTC, which is good, because trying to bring a little life into the world really is such an exciting thing!! And no amount of setbacks should change that excitement. :)
The final thing that I noticed post BCP were some mood swings, which I am totally not accustomed to! I've always been a pretty stable person most of the time, which is why the intensity of some of my emotions & reactions during the first part of our TTC process were so surprising, even to myself. It was really unnerving to feel so overcome with emotions, & to feel like I had no control over it. It seemed like I had this underlying sadness all the time, & could be brought to tears at a moment's notice. Granted, although some of those emotions I felt really were for legitimate reasons (I really was frustrated & discouraged), the intensity of them was definitely something I'm not used to, & it really threw me off. I'm guessing these mood swings were probably a result of imbalanced hormones coming off the pill, & my body, as I like to say, "trying to figure itself out". The good thing is, I feel like at least for now, that whole "craziness" has subsided, & even though my hormones may still be trying to figure themselves out, I at least, feel sane again. lol. :)
I feel like I've turned a corner, & that now that we're just hitting the "6 month mark" of TTC, I've already processed through a lot of my fears & anxieties, & can at least face the future with a positive outlook, & a determination to keep enjoying the life I'm living. And that feels like a relief, honestly, after some of the emotions I've been through in the last 6 months.
As far as my body goes, nothing has really changed as far as I can tell. I was really hoping that charting my temps this cycle would show that I was ovulating, but I'm on cycle day (CD) 63 & that hasn't happened. :( I've already talked with my OBGYN, & in a few days unless AF (aunt flow) starts, I'll probably be starting a medication to induce a period & jump-start my cycle. New beginnings! Hopefully that will be a good thing, & help my body start regulating. I think one thing that really has helped me calm down & not be so anxious anymore is just realizing that it really can take your body a year to adjust after being on BC, & so I'm learning to be patient with my body & give it the time it needs. Another thing I've taken into consideration with this last cycle is that I've been sick twice (once throwing up w/ the flu, & now a cold), & so that may've factored into not ovulating as well, who knows. But in any case, I've got a ways to go before I should do any worrying! For now just relaxing, & being truly thankful, for all the amazing blessings I do have in my life!! I really am blessed!
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